Monday, March 12, 2012

Those who search

The world does not understand. We do not seek out the sadness. The sadness searches for us.
It searches for us, day and night. It searches for us relentlessly. It neither slumber nor rest. It has no mercy.
And when it found us, there is no way to run, there is no way to hide.
When it found us, it found us.
What can a brokenhearted do? We only do what can a brokenhearted does.

The world does not understand.
We do not sit around and think about it all day. If it is possible, oh God, remind me not of my sorrow or brokenness.
Let me be lighthearted. Let me laugh. Let me feel the sunshine on me. Let me hear the bird's singing in the crisp Spring air. Let me heal, let me heal, let me stay here, do not let the sadness find me.
And the Lord is full of mercies. Most of the time I live like there is no difference. I cook. I sit with my children and we play. I watch their silly dance and I laugh. I hold hand with my husband and we go on long walk in the park. I eat dinner with my family and I tell jokes and they laugh.
I do not sit around and mope in my misery. I do not keep hanging on to the fact that I have lost this child. I do not want to mourn all day.
In fact, if it is possible, please, do not let the misery come at all. I can laugh all day, Father, do not let the tears come.
If only it was that simple.
The world tell us to let go. The world said, don't think about it. The world said, for your children's sake, don't be sad, be strong.
The world acts if we are the one who seek out for sadness.
But who wants sadness? Who?
Yes it is well with my soul that my child now is with my heavenly Father. Yes, I am not angry or bitter at my God. But it does not mean that, sorrow will not come. It does not mean that my tears have cease to flow. It does not mean that I do not long for this baby.
It does not mean that, sadness will not find me. It does not mean that, there will not be pain.
For even if we lost a limb, and the wound healed, doesn't the broken body still throb in pain for the losing of the part of it?
How can you not think about the lost limb when the broken part of your body keep throbbing in pain along with your heartbeat, reminding you that you have lost part of your body?
Nay, we wish we do not have to think about it.
We wish it is something as easy as "not think about it" and the great mount of sorrow will be lifted, and we shall see sunshine and weep no more.
we wish it is something as easy as "letting it go" and the sadness will not find us and spear my heart through and through.
How can I tell the world, there is a time for everything, and this is the time to weep for us, and this is the time for us to mourn?
Even though the Lord is merciful and we can still laugh and dance while we weep and mourn, but this season, my love, this season is for us to weep and mourn.
As much as I want the Spring to come, as much as I want this season to pass as soon as possible, as much as I want it to be a time to be born; not a time to die, for my child, my child has died physically, and I have no choice but entered in the season to weep and mourn.

The sadness never cease seek out for us, my love. Neither does pain. Neither does sorrow.
They never stop looking for us. Even if they do not come this time for you, they will come for you next time.
They will come. Eventually.
Has not God himself said,"In the world you will have tribulations"?
Yet He did not stop there, you see. He did not say "in the world you will have tribulation" and left us there alone to battle with them. He said,"In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."
He has overcome the world.
He has overcome death.
Even though I have to go through the death of the body on this earth, even though I have to be pained with the separation of love ones, for now, but only for now, only for a little while.
For He has given me a hope of heaven. Salvation of my soul. Eternal life. With no more tears nor sorrow.

Do you have this hope?
Does sadness searches for you day and night too? Does it often time find you in the dark, like me? Does it often time find you alongside with pain and sorrow?
Fear not, my love, for it is not the only one who searches.
My heavenly Father search too. He search for you. Day and night.

"...for the LORD searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you..." 1 Chronicles 28:9

"I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind..." Jeremiah 17:10

"For thus says the Lord God: “Indeed I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out."Ezekiel 34:11
"I will seek what was lost and bring back what was driven away, bind up the broken and strengthen what was sick."Ezekiel 34:16

My Father, the mighty comforter, search for you too, day and night.
And so, even if sadness often find me in the dark, with pain and sorrow, I am always not alone. Not alone with sadness, pain and sorrow. But with Him, always with Him I am. 
And although sadness will not rest, my Father will neither sleep nor slumber as well. (Psalm 121:4)
He is always there, for me. And though I still have to bear with the sadness, the pain, the sorrow, I am comforted that my Father is there for me. He listens, He cares, He understands, and I wonder sometime He cries with me.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

The world does not understand. They thought I search for sadness.
I do not search for sadness. I search for my Father. 
I search my Father day and night. For I know without Him I then will be utterly despaired, crushed, hopeless. 
When sadness search for you tonight, whom will you search in turn?
Will you search for the Mighty Comforter? Will you search for Him?
For He has been searching and searching for you, and He is there waiting, waiting for you to come.
Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your heart.
Go to Him, go to Him and you shall see. You shall be comforted. 
You shall have hope.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Then Unto the Eternal Fountain She Turned

“如果我们能把死去的人召唤回来,那是多么邪恶的一件事!她不是对着我,却对着那牧师说,我在神里得以平安。她微微一笑,却不是对着我,然后转身归回那永生的泉源。How wicked it woule be, if we could, to call the dead back! She said not to me but to the chaplain,"I am at peace with God." She smiled, but not at me. Poi si tornò all' eterna fontana."
 A Grief Observed, C.S Lewis.

If I could, would I not rather call this child back? This little baby of mine.
Come back, my sweet baby. Come back.
Let me feel the warmth of your skin. Let me stroke your tender face. Let me cradle you in my arms. Let me see the sparkle in your eyes when you smile.
Let me.
Let me be a mother.
That is my will.
But your Father, and also my Father, He has a different will.

His will for you, is to be loved, by a greater love I cannot possibly have the capacity to have given you.
His will for you, is not to have to walk and toil in this broken world.
His will for you, is not to have to be broken and tainted by sin.
His will for you, is not to have to not know Him for a single day.
His will for you, is to know no sin, no sorrow, no pain, no struggling, no darkness, no fear.
His will for you, is to be perfect, from the beginning to the end.

His will for you, is perfect, my child. Perfect.
My will is only out of my fleshly desire and selfishness.
Though I know His arms are a much much better place for you to be, oh, how foolish am I to even try to compare, yet I know my heart's desire is for you to be in my arms.
Yet may His will be done. May His will be done. Even if it means brokenness in this body. But what isn't broken, in this world, my love?
Thus even though I mourn the fact that, you are a child that has never seen light in this world, yet I rejoice that, you, my child, is with the eternal Light.
It is well with my soul.