Thursday, October 25, 2012

My September Song

Sometimes I wonder how time moves. I see the patches of sunlight on the wall, dancing, through the leaves, on the ground. The trees in our front yard are losing their leaves rapidly. I can almost see the passage of time, moving over us, fast. My girls have lost their babyish chubbiness quickly, they grew taller, more determined and confident, while more grey and wrinkles managed to crawl up to my hair and my face.
Life moves with light speed.
Yet somehow there is part of you there is always trapped in a certain place.
September came and September left. But there is no baby in these arms, no baby in this house.
Some people said, aw, come on now, don't torture yourself, it's not even a baby yet. It is your body's way of eliminating unhealthy pregnancy.
These people do no lie in bed at night, afraid to turn to the other side of their bed that is empty, that is suppose to have a bassinet with a newborn baby sleeping in it.
These people did not go through contraction to push out a tiny fetus, and gushing blood, and tissue clots, and who knows what. They do not know your body treats it as a "birth", albeit it is a birth of a death baby, it does not matter. The maternal instinct kicked in. You were left with the strongest desire to nurture and hold your baby, but you did not have a baby. So you were left with the utter sense of loss, and deep longing that could not possibly be fulfilled.
Pain, anger, sorrow.
You cannot put a cap over a boiling bottle of raw emotions. Emotions that are so strong there was no running from.
But the worst of all, the loneliness.
What a lonely path. No one will understand. No one can.
The only comforting thought, is that, I know my Father knows.
He knows my sorrow. He knows the pain. He knows the separation.
Had he not given up His Son for me?
He knows. And I need no words, no language, no explaining why I am grieving or why I am crying.
He knows.
So I sobbed my heart out to Him.

September came and September left.
Some people talk about new gadgets, some talk about how they would like to renovate their houses, some plan their children's birthdays, some talk about how Christians should dress themselves.
All these happening while I have friends on my grief support group talk about looking for a psychologist, because the pain is so great, they are trapped inside, they don't know how to carry on.
They don't know how to live day to day life. They don't know how to answer people's questions about their dead baby or child. They don't know how not to disappoint people who think they should have been moving on and leaving everything behind.

September came and September left.
I am left without a baby.
But I have been given a heart that has more courage. More courage to reach out. More courage to step out of my comfort zone. More courage to care. More courage to not care of the world's view of me. More courage to be different.
I have been given a heart that has more compassion. More compassion to those who have lost a child, even an unborn one. More compassion to anyone who is going through pain and sorrow, and loneliness.
My September baby, he is not here. But my Father has given me something else. Not something greater, but not something lesser neither.
I will use it for His glory. I will use it. I will use it for the sake of my September baby.
Out of the brokenness something stronger is sprouting.
And growing.