My September Song

Sometimes I wonder how time moves. I see the patches of sunlight on the wall, dancing, through the leaves, on the ground. The trees in our front yard are losing their leaves rapidly. I can almost see the passage of time, moving over us, fast. My girls have lost their babyish chubbiness quickly, they grew taller, more determined and confident, while more grey and wrinkles managed to crawl up to my hair and my face.
Life moves with light speed.
Yet somehow there is part of you there is always trapped in a certain place.
September came and September left. But there is no baby in these arms, no baby in this house.
Some people said, aw, come on now, don't torture yourself, it's not even a baby yet. It is your body's way of eliminating unhealthy pregnancy.
These people do no lie in bed at night, afraid to turn to the other side of their bed that is empty, that is suppose to have a bassinet with a newborn baby sleeping in it.
These people did not go through contraction to push out a tiny fetus, and gushing blood, and tissue clots, and who knows what. They do not know your body treats it as a "birth", albeit it is a birth of a death baby, it does not matter. The maternal instinct kicked in. You were left with the strongest desire to nurture and hold your baby, but you did not have a baby. So you were left with the utter sense of loss, and deep longing that could not possibly be fulfilled.
Pain, anger, sorrow.
You cannot put a cap over a boiling bottle of raw emotions. Emotions that are so strong there was no running from.
But the worst of all, the loneliness.
What a lonely path. No one will understand. No one can.
The only comforting thought, is that, I know my Father knows.
He knows my sorrow. He knows the pain. He knows the separation.
Had he not given up His Son for me?
He knows. And I need no words, no language, no explaining why I am grieving or why I am crying.
He knows.
So I sobbed my heart out to Him.

September came and September left.
Some people talk about new gadgets, some talk about how they would like to renovate their houses, some plan their children's birthdays, some talk about how Christians should dress themselves.
All these happening while I have friends on my grief support group talk about looking for a psychologist, because the pain is so great, they are trapped inside, they don't know how to carry on.
They don't know how to live day to day life. They don't know how to answer people's questions about their dead baby or child. They don't know how not to disappoint people who think they should have been moving on and leaving everything behind.

September came and September left.
I am left without a baby.
But I have been given a heart that has more courage. More courage to reach out. More courage to step out of my comfort zone. More courage to care. More courage to not care of the world's view of me. More courage to be different.
I have been given a heart that has more compassion. More compassion to those who have lost a child, even an unborn one. More compassion to anyone who is going through pain and sorrow, and loneliness.
My September baby, he is not here. But my Father has given me something else. Not something greater, but not something lesser neither.
I will use it for His glory. I will use it. I will use it for the sake of my September baby.
Out of the brokenness something stronger is sprouting.
And growing.

Profound Achievement

As I was eating, Kayla lingered around the dinner table to talk to me.

She first quietly looked at me for a while, then she was pensive for a moment, finally the enlightenment seemed to dawn on her when she asked,

“Mommy, you are NOT a monkey???”

“… …” (Yeah, imagine my feeling)

Honey, I am glad that after 3 years, you have finally came to that realization.

Now, perhaps you still have hope to discover that you also are a human as your mother(and father), and will start behave or be reasonable as one? Maybe?

This is not my mommy

I was using the computer, and suddenly, heard Kayla called me with the sweetest voice possible. “Hi! Mommy!!”

Happy and felt loved, I turned back to her, smiled and said lovingly,”Hi, baby!”.

But she only looked annoyed and said coldly to me,”No, not you! Shiloh Mommy!” while pointing to her sister.

Then I realized she was playing “pretend” with Shiloh and Shiloh was the mommy and she was the baby.

Gee, I absolutely felt “loved”. Perhaps your Shiloh Mommy should do all the cooking, housework and all the chore taking care of you now?

(Yes, motherhood can turn you into that bitter woman sometime.)

Brokenness

Sometimes I am reminded why I write about brokenness.
I write because that lady who lost her infant child few months ago? Someone had the gut to tell her that she was glad she was not grieving anymore, because if she were, she was only being selfish. She was only being selfish to her husband, and to her other children.
Grieving for her dead baby is selfish? I could feel my blood boiling just reading that.
One dear friend, her baby passed away in a daycare, not because of SID, but most likely due to negligent. She stood up and made a press conference to call attention to the situation, to make light of how many daycares are unregistered and are not monitored, she stood up in the hope that action will be taken, awareness will be raised, no more children will die again due to negligent, and no more parents' hearts will be broken. She stood up in the midst of her brokenness, she stood up while all she wanted to do was to mourn in private.
Yet some people, called her selfish and crazy for money for sending her precious baby to the daycare. They said it's the price she paid for choosing her job over her child.
Some people.
Sometime I wonder why there is so many ignorant people on the internet. Why people judge so easily without walking one mile in her shoes.
Then I decided to write about brokenness. Again.
Although it goes against my nature. I would rather laugh, I always rather laugh. I would much prefer tell you a joke and make you laugh then tell you this world is broken, and let you leave with a heavy heart. I would much rather be a joker, than one who tells sad broken stories.
To write about brokenness, it spills my insecurities all over. My bleeding heart, my weakness, I would rather just present them to God. Why should I share it? Why should I write about it? Why should I expose myself under the spotlight that no one put me under it except myself?
Then I see, how so many people deal with others' brokenness with ignorant. With judgment, with insensitivity.
Then I see, how many people walking around with brokenness. Outwardly living their daily life, inwardly they cry their quiet tears to sleep, they cry their heart out whether anyone understands or cares.
Too many brokenness and so little hope.
Why do I write about brokenness?
Because I want the brokenhearted to know, someone has walked their path, someone has cried those tears, someone has been broken to pieces, someone understands, someone hears and listens, and someone understands.
Someone cares.
Because I want those who treat brokenness as shame or weakness to know, it is not a shame, and it is not a weakness. It is also not inferiority. And maybe I can teach and model compassion through my words, perhaps? Maybe then there will be one less insensitive or ignorant people who seem to be enjoying or eager to rub salt on other's bleeding wound? Perhaps?
If you want a good joke, come back another day.
Today I am writing about brokenness.
But not without hope or joy. That I promise you. I will always write about brokenness with hope.
Because where my brokenness is, my Jesus is standing on that pile of broken pieces.
He is standing in the midst of it, and He whispers to me, my hope in Him, His love for me, the peace He grant me,  and His grace that overflows.
So let it be that I shall always tell my brokenness with the hope.

We are pretty busy here

At the dinner table, Kayla tried to talk to Shiloh, only to be told by her sister,"Don't talk to me!"
Kayla,"Why? You are not mad! I can talk to you!"
Now, in this house, I told my kids, when they are mad and they don't feel like talking, it is OK. It is allowed.
But that night, it turned out, Shiloh was not mad, and she only refused to talk to her sister to antagonize her.
I did what every mother would do. I gave Shiloh a warning look, or, you can call it an evil eye.
I could tell the girl's brain was churning. She looked guilty but I could tell she was still trying to cook up something to say.
She looked sideway, looked back to me, and said,"Because... I am busy!"
I gently pointed out to her,"You are not even eating your food! What are you busy doing?"
To that, that girl told me and her sister,"I am busy...looking at the ground!"
I turned and looked at her father, and we both burst out laughing simultaneously!
Boy, I wish I got that kind of business!
So, next time you come to my house and see me laying around, don't assume that I'm being lazy.

I might be busy staring at the ceiling.

Asian Vegetables Basket: Recipes and Tips for Watercress

I finally got my vegetables basket today! It was surprisingly light, but I'm so happy to see these vegetables. I can't wait to eat all of them up. I will probably use up the bean sprouts first, they can go bad quickly. Love the watercress! I use them mostly in soup. Here are some recipes, have fun trying and eating!

Watercress

Watercress soup

This is very simple and easy to make. Use either chicken or pork, with bones. Bones give you really good flavor. Or you can use store bought chicken stock. You only need then watercress, wolfberries (you can get them from Whole Food or an Asian grocery store), and dried red or honey dates. Cut a slit in the dates so the flavor will come out more, you can get rid of the pits if you want, but it will come out by itself after the soup is done cooking. Make sure you be careful and don't eat the pits. If you don't have any dates or wolfberries, it will be fine too, it just won't have the same kind of sweetness. 

Watercress and Chicken Stir-fry

Watercress with Rice Wine Oyster Sauce

And since I'm nice and always considerate the one who got you into the trouble to begin with by suggesting watercress on Noisy Rabbit FB page, I will give you some watercress salad recipes as well, even though they are not Chinese food. (Please don't beat me up if you don't like watercress.)

This particular one looks amazing, plus you can use the orange and basil in the basket this week to make it. I'm a genius, yes you can say that. It is what I always told my husband to say anyway when I came up with some awesome ways to incorporate all the vegetables or if I made some amazing food (that most of time I don't know how it happened and can't seem to be able to re-enact it). I said it plenty of times to myself too, when I'm in the kitchen. Hey, if you spend most of your time in the kitchen, you might as well make yourself feel better. You cook better food that way, trust me. 

Watercress and Citrus Salad

Watercress and Avocado Salad

Or if you still have those red babies (beets) laying around from your last week's basket like me, make this beets and watercress salad. Yes, I'm a genius, you can say that again.

But for me? I AM MAKING WATERCRESS SOUP! 

Which reminds me, I have some frozen chicken feet I can use in this soup! (Yes, chicken feet, not chicken legs. They are not ordinary chicken feet neither. They are organic, free ranged chicken feet. My friend raise organic, free range chicken and eggs. If you are interested you can check Omega Farms out. 

You can also stop saying ewww now. Thank you. 

Asian Vegetables Basket: Recipes and Tips for Ginger

If you are a Chinese, you will have ginger in your kitchen. Ginger is my kitchen staple, I cannot survive without it. If I ran out of ginger, I panic, what will I do without my ginger? Honey, I guess I am not cooking tonight, I am out of ginger. I also feel defeated if I let myself ran out of ginger, my mother probably will think I humiliate her by being a Chinese who don't have ginger in her kitchen. I always toss few slices of it in my stir fry, I use it to make ginger tea (a cup of hot ginger tea chases any winter blue or cold away), I use it in soup, and I grate it to marinate my meat or make homemade teriyaki sauce.
But, first, some easy stir fry recipes that use ginger.

Ginger and Scallion Chicken 

Tips: Scallions is just another name for green onions.

This is a very easy stir fry, and it is my favorite. When I am homesick, I make this. You don't need any chinese cooking wine if you don't have any on hand, just use any white wine, it will work. You can also use corn starch instead of corn flour, I never know the difference.

Or, if you prefer beef like my husband, here are some beef recipes and for American taste buds.

Mongolian Beef

Ginger and Scallion Beef

You can omit the maggi seasoning. If you have some meat marinated in the freezer as I mentioned in the quick tips in this post , you can use them for these recipes. 

Ginger is very good for soothing an upset stomach. It also helps greatly soothing menstrual pain. I have very fond memories of my mother (not my monthly Aunt Flow, of course) making ginger tea, soup (with rice noodle for a mid night chow, I always get more hungry when I have my menstrual), and also fried eggs with sesame oil and chopped ginger. I love how ginger warm my abdomen up and soothe the  cramp. 

So here are some soup recipes.

Ginger Soup

I love mine with lots and lots of ginger. You can use store bought chicken broth. I also like to add Cilantro in mine. May I suggest you use the boy choy or napa cabbage you get in your basket this week? If you like it to be more filling, throw in some cooked rice or noodles. 

If you are sick of Chinese Food, here is a your normal soup recipe using ginger.

Carrot Apple Ginger Soup

Ginger is also good in pumpkin, butternut squash, sweet potato soup. I made them a lot for my children for baby food when they were babies to help boast those immune system. 

OK, back to some Chinese food (I'm sorry, I am only but a Chinese!)

If you have a cold or are congested, you gotta try ginger tea. Really, it works wonder, it clears up my sinuses in a minute (although it is not a one time deal, you will be cleared for a while, then it will come back, but keep drinking it). You will get better faster from your cold. No store bought ginger tea can do the same, use the real thing. You can sweeten it up with honey, use less ginger to start with, and put green tea and lemon in it. If my two year old girls can drink it without complaining it's too spicy, you can too. 

Ginger Tea

Or if you prefer cold. (But remember, cold ginger tea does not clear up your congestion as a cup of hot ginger tea.)

Iced Ginger Tea

Head over to this website if you like Teriyaki sauce for the recipe and some tips.

I usually use less soy sauce, less sugar, and I use Japanse rice wine instead of cider vinegar. Start out making small portion, tweak the recipe until you like it, then make a big jar and store it in your fridge. It's great for chicken, beef, tofu, or vegetable kebabs. I grill a lot of food using Teriyaki marinade.