An almost 4 year old's scribble

S's drawing. A baby Jesus, Mary, and an angel that told her, do not be afraid.

The Ordinary and Subtle blessing in life

We Remember Them

"At the rising of the sun and at its going down

We remember them.

At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter

We remember them.

At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring

We remember them.

At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer

We remember them.

At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn

We remember them.

At the beginning of the year and when it ends

We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live;

for they are now a part of us

as we remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength

We remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart

We remember them.

When we have joy we crave to share

We remember them.

When we have decisions that are difficult to make

We remember them.

When we have achievements that are based on theirs

We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live;

for they are now a part of us

as we remember them."

From Jewish Book of Prayer.

Being Realistic and Hopeful At the Same Time

I'm reading this book "What Did You Expect?? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage" by Paul Tripp. I'm only in Chapter 1 and I can't help but want to make note or highlight the best part of what I read. Sadly, I cannot because it is a library book. So I resorted to jot down the quotes on this blog instead.

"There is no better window on what we face in the here-and-now world in which we live than the descriptive words that the Bible uses:"grieved," trials," and "tested" (1 Peter 1:6-7). Now, these words should cause you to pause. Of all the descriptive words that Peter has at his disposal to describe what God is doing in us through the environment in which we live, it is very significant that he uses there three words. Each is instructive and interpretive.

First, you will not escape the grief of life in the fallen world. That grief can be the momentary pain of a little disappointment or the long-term mourning of a significant moment of loss. The point is that, along the way, grief touches us all in little or significant ways.

Second, we all face trials. We will deal with things we would never have planned for ourselves or inserted into our schedules. We will grieve because we will face difficulty that we neither anticipated nor planned. The final word brings the portrait of life in this fallen world together. The word tested does not mean tested like in an exam. No, it means "tempered" or "refined.""

"This does not mean that you will stop being grieved. In fact, Jesus wept when he walked the roads of our world. But this grief is not a dark tunnel that fate has sent your way. It is a wise tool in the hands of a loving God who knows how deep your need is and wants to give you gifts of grace that will last forever."

"So, when you are sinned against or when the fallen world breaks your door down, don't lash out or run away. Stand in your weakness and confusion and say,"I am not alone. God is with me, and he is faithful, powerful, and willing." You can be realistic and hopeful at the very same time. Realistic expectations are not about hope without honesty, and they are not honesty without hope. Realism in found at the intersection of unabashed honesty and uncompromising hope. "

How true is that, how true. You can be realistic and hopeful at the very same time. And these realistic expectations are not hope without honesty, and they are not honesty without hope. This is the perfect picture of me standing in my brokenness yet knowing I have His hope at the same time while I was going through my miscarriage. You can be broken and covered with blood and tears yet hoping like you have never hoped before. I am very thankful that even when I'm not reading books about grieving, God is still ministering to me in this area through other things I am reading. But isn't that how He is? When I got the news that the baby had no more heartbeat and I was to expect a miscarriage, I searched frantically everywhere for what to expect and what to prepare for a home miscarriage. My OB-GYN doctor sort of laughed and told me to expect pain if I were to wait for my body to abort it itself. I looked through lots and lots of website and forum but nobody said what to prepare or what to do. I called the local birth center but they didn't really answer my questions neither. Finally, when the miscarriage process started, this thought hit me, I had read it somewhere, what to do when you have a miscarriage at home, it's in a book. It finally dawned on me, it's a book my sister-in-law had given me about parenting, I had read it while I was still pregnant. The author mentioned about her miscarriage and how she was laying in her bathtub to soothe the pain. As I was reading it, my eyes welled up and I thought, how awful it is to loose a child. I didn't think I would walk the same path few weeks later. I didn't know nobody could give me an answer of what I wanted to know, but God has already given me that answer, even before I was walking down on that broken path. And I was reminded of what to do when the contraction pain seared my abdomen, "go in the bathtub. " And I went. And it did wonder and was a saving grace.

Yes, this world is broken and full of sin and sometime I am so sick of it. But, you know what, my God is faithful, powerful and willing.

My September Song

Sometimes I wonder how time moves. I see the patches of sunlight on the wall, dancing, through the leaves, on the ground. The trees in our front yard are losing their leaves rapidly. I can almost see the passage of time, moving over us, fast. My girls have lost their babyish chubbiness quickly, they grew taller, more determined and confident, while more grey and wrinkles managed to crawl up to my hair and my face.
Life moves with light speed.
Yet somehow there is part of you there is always trapped in a certain place.
September came and September left. But there is no baby in these arms, no baby in this house.
Some people said, aw, come on now, don't torture yourself, it's not even a baby yet. It is your body's way of eliminating unhealthy pregnancy.
These people do no lie in bed at night, afraid to turn to the other side of their bed that is empty, that is suppose to have a bassinet with a newborn baby sleeping in it.
These people did not go through contraction to push out a tiny fetus, and gushing blood, and tissue clots, and who knows what. They do not know your body treats it as a "birth", albeit it is a birth of a death baby, it does not matter. The maternal instinct kicked in. You were left with the strongest desire to nurture and hold your baby, but you did not have a baby. So you were left with the utter sense of loss, and deep longing that could not possibly be fulfilled.
Pain, anger, sorrow.
You cannot put a cap over a boiling bottle of raw emotions. Emotions that are so strong there was no running from.
But the worst of all, the loneliness.
What a lonely path. No one will understand. No one can.
The only comforting thought, is that, I know my Father knows.
He knows my sorrow. He knows the pain. He knows the separation.
Had he not given up His Son for me?
He knows. And I need no words, no language, no explaining why I am grieving or why I am crying.
He knows.
So I sobbed my heart out to Him.

September came and September left.
Some people talk about new gadgets, some talk about how they would like to renovate their houses, some plan their children's birthdays, some talk about how Christians should dress themselves.
All these happening while I have friends on my grief support group talk about looking for a psychologist, because the pain is so great, they are trapped inside, they don't know how to carry on.
They don't know how to live day to day life. They don't know how to answer people's questions about their dead baby or child. They don't know how not to disappoint people who think they should have been moving on and leaving everything behind.

September came and September left.
I am left without a baby.
But I have been given a heart that has more courage. More courage to reach out. More courage to step out of my comfort zone. More courage to care. More courage to not care of the world's view of me. More courage to be different.
I have been given a heart that has more compassion. More compassion to those who have lost a child, even an unborn one. More compassion to anyone who is going through pain and sorrow, and loneliness.
My September baby, he is not here. But my Father has given me something else. Not something greater, but not something lesser neither.
I will use it for His glory. I will use it. I will use it for the sake of my September baby.
Out of the brokenness something stronger is sprouting.
And growing.

Profound Achievement

As I was eating, Kayla lingered around the dinner table to talk to me.

She first quietly looked at me for a while, then she was pensive for a moment, finally the enlightenment seemed to dawn on her when she asked,

“Mommy, you are NOT a monkey???”

“… …” (Yeah, imagine my feeling)

Honey, I am glad that after 3 years, you have finally came to that realization.

Now, perhaps you still have hope to discover that you also are a human as your mother(and father), and will start behave or be reasonable as one? Maybe?

This is not my mommy

I was using the computer, and suddenly, heard Kayla called me with the sweetest voice possible. “Hi! Mommy!!”

Happy and felt loved, I turned back to her, smiled and said lovingly,”Hi, baby!”.

But she only looked annoyed and said coldly to me,”No, not you! Shiloh Mommy!” while pointing to her sister.

Then I realized she was playing “pretend” with Shiloh and Shiloh was the mommy and she was the baby.

Gee, I absolutely felt “loved”. Perhaps your Shiloh Mommy should do all the cooking, housework and all the chore taking care of you now?

(Yes, motherhood can turn you into that bitter woman sometime.)